No going back

Well, we did it.  As of about 11am this morning, we filed for bankruptcy.  Toughest decision we've ever made.  Late yesterday we realized we had to take a credit counseling, online class, so after the kids went to bed, I (we) flew through it.  Thankfully, it was rather easy and took 45 min instead of the 90 they said, and the follow up phone call was pretty ridiculous, but after printing out 50 more pages and signing where we needed to, I faxed everything off this morning and the lawyer immediately filed for us.  Time is of the essence because we are 2 months behind on my car, and in Texas that means repo.  Tomorrow was the deadline on that, but we are "safe" now, no worries about the car disappearing while we sleep our I drop the kids off at school.  Don't think we are taking this lightly, I joke a bit, because the seriousness is more then I can handle sometimes, but I am fully aware of how disastrous this is.  I do know a couple other people that have filed and I know that things are better for them now, so I'm hopeful that we will be ok as well.  Although, our situation is completely different then both of theirs, so I'm still really, really scared.  It will take about 30-45 days before our case goes before a judge.  The holidays will extend things a bit and apparently it being a Chapter 13, vs Chapter 7, delays things a bit too. Some things won't change, we haven't used a credit card in 2 years, so that won't be a big difference, but just knowing that you can't get anything on credit kind of scares us a bit.  It also puts added pressure on Matt to make sure the business is profitable and on me to get a job.  Both of us are very focused on these things, but a bad economy is never good for starting a business or getting a job.  I will say, my phone hasn't rung in hours and that's a big change already!  Christmas will be very inexpensive for us, I'm grateful that the kids are young and don't really understand any of this.  They won't know whether they got more or less gifts then their friends.  There won't be any big vacations, but we haven't been on one since our honeymoon so that's no change.  No new cars, but mine is new and Matt's isn't very old either.  And, thankfully we love our house because we won't be moving for 7-10 years now!  So, anyone out there considering bankruptcy, I'm here if you want to talk about it.  I'm no expert, but I am very good with a budget, and I may be able to help you decide if you should file or not.  It may sound ironic, "I'm good with a budget", but remember we aren't in our situation because of over spending, our income took a major hit, so major that we couldn't handle all of our bills.  Hopefully, 2012 will be a better year financially!!

Tragic reminder

I have a bible study friend, she lost her 2 kids and her father in a tragic car accident a few years back.  I didn't know her then, but when I heard her story, it made me take a second to stop and think about how fast your life can change.  Because of her and her loss, on the crazy days when it's super loud, or everyone is crying, or there's too much yelling (by me), I, as I'm sure most moms do, think, "oh, what I wouldn't give for just an hour of peace and quiet", but then Susan pops in my head and I instantly think, no, I really don't.  I can not even begin to imagine how her life changed.  She now has 2 sweet small boys, but her life will never go back to what it was, never. 

On Saturday, I was with the kids ALL day, from 8am to 8:30pm, it was a long day.  It went well for the most part, but as I was heading to bed, I was walking through the house and there were little reminders of my kids; the Trio block house G made for his dinosaurs, plus a few dinosaurs all camped out in the living room; P's white keds in the kitchen, I was reminded how she cried when I took them off her because she loves shoes; then I go in our bathroom and there's the kids toothbrushes,, because my sink is apparently the best in the house; then I see a little princess sippy cup of water on the chair in the bedroom, and as I climbed into bed, the 4 hot wheels cars G left me, "so I could have them to sleep with".  As soon as I got into bed, I thought of Susan, why I don't know, but then I prayed and I thanked God for my children and for the gentle reminders to be thankful and grateful for them.

So, even though I hate that Susan lost her children, I'm glad that I know her so I can appreciate my kids just a tiny bit more then I might have.

Crazy Day

After much discussion back and forth, yesterday afternoon, Matt & I decided that we really had no choice but to file for bankruptcy.  It was an extremely tough situation and not an easy decision at all.  But, oddly, after the decision was made I think we both felt a huge sigh of relief.  Life is not going to be easy, on the contrary.  Some people file bankruptcy because things got out of hand and they ran up too much credit card debt, and I know this happens for any number of reasons; loss of job, pay cut, relocation, or just living beyond your means.  We, on the other hand, are in jeopardy of losing our "property" meaning our house and our cars.  Our problem does include some CC debt, but it's old debt, nothing we've accrued recently (we cut up all our credit cards 2 years ago January).  We have to do a rush filing so my car does not get repossessed, so that meant I had today to get everything to the lawyer, plus the usual Friday craziness of picking up checks and depositing them on top of payroll and normal household stuff.  Thankfully, I have a friend who is a realtor and she was more then happy to allow me to use their high volume fax and entertain Payton while I took care of stuff.  Unfortunately, on the first go around everything did not fax, so we made 2 trips back to her office.  Payton was pretty much right at home by the 3rd trip up there and was just running around like it was home.  Unfortunately Payton took 2 very short naps in the car and exercised her new found terrible two rights and freaked out, arched her back and screamed every time I put her in the car today.  On top of going to fax things 3 times, I've been to 3 different builders offices and the bank 3 times.  Now, I am fairly certain the lawyer has everything he needs and Payton has decided she does not want to nap and is in her bed screaming.  I know she's just beyond tired and has had almost no play time today, which isn't her fault, but I really need her to sleep a bit so I can have some downtime.  Garrett thankfully is cooperating and doing quiet time in his room.

But, back to the bankruptcy, the reason it won't get much easier for us, is we have to get caught up on the back payments on the house and keep up with new, adjusted car payments.  The CC debt we did have will go away, but none of our household bills will change.  So, it's still of extreme importance that I get the job I applied for almost 2 months ago, otherwise we may still face having to sell my car and or the house.  All of these tough things to deal with plus Christmas on top of it.  Couldn't be worse timing.  In reality, we probably should have filed for bankruptcy a year or even 2 years ago, we'd probably be a lot more ahead today, but we, as most people, feel bankruptcy is a terrible thing and we kept hoping we could get back on track.

As I promised, I will blog about this as we go.  Who knows, maybe it'll help someone else, because honestly, I wish I had someone to talk to who had been down this road before.  It's a lonely road right now....

Rings

I'm not sure if I've mentioned this or not, but some people have been eyeing my empty ring finger lately and while I kind of feel it's none of their business or maybe they should just ask, the truth is I'm having an allergic reaction to the metal in my rings.  I wear them for special occasions, but it makes my ring finger very red and sore, it's a very uncomfortable feeling.  So, until I can afford to have them re sealed or whatever the correct term is, I don't wear them much.  So, rest easy, Matt and I are not separated or anything along those lines, it's just that the white gold has worn off and I'm allergic to whatever is underneath it.  The lady at the jewelry store said it's very common and some people have to have them resealed every 6 months to a year, considering it's been almost 7 years I've been wearing the engagement ring, it's lasted a pretty long time!

Honesty

I think sometimes I forget that this blog is supposed to be honest and about my life, not just the good stuff, but the bad.  I don't even really know who reads it so it may just be for my own personal memories.  I think it's time for me to be honest with myself though and put it down on "paper" and in 10 years I can look back and remember how bad (or good) things really were in 2011. 

On Monday, I found out my Traverse is going to be repossessed.  That's a term I never thought I'd speak, but here we are, 2.5 years since I lost my job, and are facing really hard times.  After I lost my job we managed to stretch our savings from 3-6 months, then with still no job offers and a baby due in weeks, we cashed in our IRA's and managed to live off those for a year, then with still no job offer, we cashed in my 401k and started our own business.  The business has done ok, but it's just that our income went from close to $100,000 to about $40,000.  There's only so many things you can cut out of your daily living expenses and make up a $60,000 difference.  So, we fell behind on our bills, then the summer hit, business was doing good, we got caught up, then it slowed down again and now we are behind again.  But, maybe hearing the words "repossession activation" was just the wake up call we needed to hear.

On Tuesday, we had our last bible study, the ladies know how we've been struggling, and made us a lasagna dinner with salad and bread and slipped a $150 HEB gift card in my pocket.  And driving home I remembered that one of the ladies used to be an attorney, very recently, she quit her job 4 months ago.  So, when I got home I emailed her and she put me in touch with a bankruptcy attorney.  Again, this is something I never dreamed we'd be facing, but after a preliminary phone conversation today, he told me things I had given up hope on.  We can keep our home and our cars. 

So, in sticking with my desire to be honest, I'll update my blog after my phone meeting with him at 3:30.  He said he has yet to meet someone that didn't qualify for bankruptcy, it's more a matter of which type we qualify for.

Tears

Sometimes you just have a bad day, and try as I do to hide it from the kids, sometimes you just can't.  Well, yesterday was one of those days.  It was just Payton and I, Garrett was at school yesterday, and I kept getting more and more bad news, I hung up the phone after one particular call and I just started crying.  I was sitting on the floor in Payton's room, and what does that sweet girl do, she goes and gets a baby wipe and comes over and wipes my face.  Then she leaned in to give me a kiss, sat on my lap, really still, and flipped through a book.  Payton never sits still and until recently, doesn't much like looking at or reading books, so the fact that she just sat with me is pretty amazing.  God gave me a sweet little angel in my Payton.  He knew I needed comforting and even though she's barely 25 pounds and not quite 3 feet tall, she was all the comfort I needed.

Thanksgiving 2011

This year we were thankful for so many things, but mainly that Luther's treatment was a success and that he was with us for Thanksgiving and should be for many to come!  We are thankful for the opportunity to try our hand at owning our own business.  It's a constant struggle, but it's ours and at the end of the day, we are thankful for the opportunity to make it a success.  We are thankful for our family, I was very thankful that my sister was able to spend the holiday with us, it meant a lot to me and I know the kids loved seeing her.  I am thankful for my kids, both of them bring such joy to my life, I can not imagine my life without them in it.  And I am thankful for my marriage.  It may not be perfect, we do fight, but we love each other and are always supportive of each other and I think fighting is natural when you live and work with someone! I am thankful that, for now, we live in such a wonderful house and that we are building so many memories for your children.